Easter Musings

Happy Easter!

How interesting that on a year when March is the third month of a year ending in 16 (making the date with just month and year 3:16), Easter should fall in March.

Anyway, this is what I can’t stop thinking about. John 3:16 -For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in Him may not perish but may have eternal life.  Every Christian knows this verse from a very young age, but it’s interesting to take a closer look. In our world, full of prejudice and hatred, it’s easy for Christians to project their opinions onto God (i.e. God hates homosexuals) whether or not there is scriptural evidence backing these claims. But what I see here in this verse is a promise that completely lacks the prejudices of humanity. For God so loved the WORLD – the whole world, not just part of it. So that EVERYONE who believes – not just the righteous, not just the worthy, not just the straights or the whites or the people who tithe regularly – EVERYONE may have eternal life. What an incredible promise, sealed in the blood of God’s own Son. The only requirement for life is to believe. Amazing. What wondrous love is this, to save all of us, just because we were willing to believe!

My book recommendations this month are the Inheritance Cycle by Christopher Paolini – a wonderful series with Tolkien’s imagery, Lewis’s symbolism, and all the excitement of series such as Divergent or The Hunger Games – the first novel of which was published when the author was only nineteen, and Mechanica by Betsy Cornwell, a delightfully steampunk retelling of Cinderella, with an ending you night not expect. 

As for music, I have a mild obsession with the band Switchfoot, a slightly old Christian rock band.

God bless!

~Witch of Endor

Lent and Relentless Regret

So it’s Lent.  Missed Ash Wednesday service because weather is horrible, which is not helping me feel like a better Christian.  On the other hand, I’m working on my application to a Christian summer camp.  I’m trying to read a chapter of the Bible, starting at the beginning, every night before I fall asleep, but I keep forgetting.  Trying to pray more, but it’s so easy to forget when there’re all these worldy things demanding my attention.

I’m trying to also actually study for once, never having thought it was necessary (I almost always get excellent grades) and that just takes up more time and adds more stress, especially when I read the same thing three days in a row and still don’t fully comprhend it because I’m not focusing well.  When you grow up as a smart child in a smart family, the idea that you could have trouble is fairly ridiculous. I don’t understand it myself most of the time.  I live a blessed life, with great parents, awesome siblings, a rather obnoxious cat, and the best friends anyone could ask for.  What could possibly be wrong?  Why am I so scared of the people around me?  I’m mentally tearing myself to bits thinking about asking someone to prom, which is really not that big of a deal.

Anyway, my book for today is Winter by Marissa Meyer.  I won’t say too much about it, as it is the last of four books in the Lunar Chronicles, but it’s a stunning conclusion to an incredible series that is far longer than any of us expected it to be.

My song right now is Disenchanted by My Chemical Romance.  ‘It was the roar of the crowd that gave me heartache to sing’ It a line that’s really speaking to me as I think about the things I do and whether I do them for love or for recognition.  I don’t think I try to get the pride out of it.  I’ve never needed more people telling me I’m special, and sometimes I wish there were less.  Don’t get me wrong, I like the compliments as much as anyone else, but it gets on my nerves when people compliment me – in the midst of a group of people who deserve equal or greater recognition and don’t receive it.

I should really post more often. It just feels really great to put my feelings out here, even if no one reads them ‘they’re no longer inside of me threatening the life they belong to’ (2 AM, Anna Nalick). Thanks and leave a comment to give me courage to ask this guy to prom.

God bless you.

Witch of Endor

The Lent Project

Good morning,

Before I get to anything else, the end of Young Justice absolutely destroyed me. No spoilers, but now I am in mourning and overcome with feels.

Today is the second day (some would call it the third. I count Ash Wednesday as its own thing.) of Lent and I have already failed in my giving-up-for-Lent thing. See I’m not so much giving something up as I am adding something on. My goal is to read a part of the Bible everyday and then post about what it means. I am starting with the book of Esther, as it’s kind of a Lenten tradition for me.

I didn’t read or write yesterday, but I’m starting today. Today I read the first chapter of Esther. I will invite you to read along each day if you wish, but will also have a summary.

This chapter kind of sets the scene for the story of Esther. We don’t see Esther at all actually. It begins with a description of this party that the king is making that lasts 180 days, which is like half the year. Then it goes on about how after this party for the nobles the king hosts a banquet for all the men in the gardens that lasts 7 days and the queen hosts one for the women inside. The demands everyone have as much to drink as they want. You can see where this is headed. On the seventh day, the king is pretty drunk and he orders Queen Vashti be brought to him so he can show her off, basically. She refuses and in the end gets ordered never to see the king again. Then the king sends an order across the land saying that this is how it should be in all houses.

So what does this chapter mean? Honestly I’ve read this first chapter countless times and I still don’t entirely know. I think it’s showing us part of the culture that Esther will be coming into and the consequences she will have when she has to disobey the king (sorry, spoiler alert). But I think it also shows us part of the king’s character. I mean he’s not a very strong king. He lets himself be manipulated by his advisors who tell him that he should send Vashti away and send out this decree and look for a new wife. They make him scared that the women will start standing up and arguing, because god forbid that women be equals (sorry, I couldn’t resist the sarcasm).

Tomorrow I will be reading and talking about Esther 2: 1-18. We get to meet Mordecai.

God Bless,

Esther

Something New

Okay, so I haven’t been very good about posting. I apologize. The truth is that I am human and not perfect. I had so many things I wanted to write but they always came when I was in the middle of church or a test or my laptop was dead. By the time I actually got sat in front of the computer, it was gone, so I didn’t write anything. It’s not an excuse but I think we all can relate.

I have been thinking a lot lately about how half the world can just ignore all the people in need. The refugees, the people on the fringes of society, the people who are hurting, and I think it’s cause we always hear statistics and they don’t really mean anything to us. So I am going to have a story a week. I am going to share the story of a new person every Saturday. It is an open invitation. Anyone who wants to can contribute their story or any story they find. There are a few rules, though.

1. It must be true and it must be about a person.

2. No put-downs or foul language please.

3. If you get it from somewhere else, you must give credit to the person/place it’s from.

4. Please don’t use people’s real names without permission. It’s just respectful. (Obviously if it is  already a published source you don’t need to worry about that last one)

So, the idea is to have fun and create empathy. Together we can make the world a better place. Let’s call it People by People.

I’ll start today with the story of a girl I happen to know. She is the sweetest, kindest girl I’ve ever met, but she’s kind of socially awkward. No one really asks, but you get the feeling that her home life isn’t always real stable. She’s so loving and she’s great with kids. When I say great, I mean she’s a miracle worker with children. But that doesn’t matter to the people at the school she goes to. To them it matters that she talks funny and that she dresses differently. That shouldn’t matter, but once the people around you decide that things that matter, it’s hard to make them unmatter. I talk to her sometimes, but it’s like I can’t get past what everyone else has decided is important about her. One of my friends has taken her under her wing and I;m so proud of them both. Maybe one day I’ll actually break through this and apologize.

God Bless,

Esther

School and Faith Struggles

So life is… interesting. Busy, i guess you’d call it. I’m really bad at keeping up habits, as you can probably tell by the fact that this is my second post, but I recognize that habits are part of a healthy lifestyle. So, I’m going to try to post more often, and have a few basic things I can post about without too much thought.
First though, I want to talk about some struggles I’ve been having. My faith life is … not good. Practically nonexistent, in fact. Sure I’ll shoot off a mental “Thanks God!” when something goes well, but thought-out extensive prayers are rare. I never open my Bible, and haven’t been to church all month (although that has a lot to do with the weather) and am beginning to feel spiritually dry. I know what I should do, and how easy it can be, but there is an almost unconscious mental block I get when I consider pulling my Bible off the shelf. “But I need to study!” is a common excuse. Which is wrong – school is just for the beginning of my life, and once it’s done, it’s done. But Faith lasts a lifetime and needs to be cultivated and practiced throughout. So really I’m just asking, if you read this, please pray for me to stop procrastinating and open the good Book.
Next, one of my new ‘habit posts’ (I hope this will last) my monthly book of choice! (I’d love to say week but that’s a bit too much optimism right now.) I recommend Sabha Tahir’s novel An Ember in the Ashes. It’s a story set in a society similar to the Roman empire from the viewpoints of a soldier and a scholar(rebel) who both want freedom from the strictures of the Empire, but are afraid of what happens if they try to escape and fail. It’s a devastating read, packed with tension and conflict, and I cried about eight times. So, it’s great if you’ve been feeling too much like a stone brick and want to have emotions (hopefully – if your heart doesn’t break while reading this I’m not sure you have one). Honestly though, it’s a great book so… read it! Yeah! … Ok
And my other ‘habit post’ is going to be music because I love it a lot! I’m going to be a bit bland this time, as no song’s really stuck out to me recently, and choose ‘Your Guardian Angel’ by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. It always make me smile and want to cry at the same time and generally makes me feel more positive about life, so I wanted to share it with the world.
That’s all for today.

Witch of Endor

The Invisible Woman

Okay so, there’s this thing going around facebook to raise awareness for children with cancer. So your friend assigns you a superhero and you change your status and become that hero for 24 hours and give other people superhero alter egos too. It’s super-cool. You all should do it cause it’s really fun and for a great cause. Anyway, my friend assigned me to be the  Invisible Woman. Which seemed rather fitting, because I feel very invisible a lot of the time. I was kind of falling back into that habit of feeling sorry for myself when this little voice in my head said, “Well, Donna saw you (I’m going to call her Donna cause I don’t know how she’d feel about me just telling the internet all about her. Plus she’s really protective and sassy and awesome. just like Donna from DW).” This is normally the point where I tell my little voice, “Shut up, I’m trying to wallow here.” But for whatever reason tonight I didn’t. I thought about it. See, I met Donna on this mission trip. She didn’t seem to have someone to lean on, or to really hold on to and we were both kind of the loners in our crew. So, I befriended Donna, or tried to. She wasn’t always easy to get along with, but I was really trying and I could see all the beauty there, too. It was near the end of our week, and I was feeling invisible and like no matter what I tried, she just couldn’t see that I cared. And then we had our worship time. We do this thing called Yay Gods, where we share a place we saw God during our day. And Donna stands up and says, “I just want to thank God for Esther in my crew because she has been trying so hard and I am not an easy person to get along with, but she is a great friend.” I started crying right about then, I was so happy, but she wasn’t done. “She thinks no one sees her, sees everything she does, but I do. I see you.” And that was exactly what I needed. I was talking to her later and she told me that she had been talking to Witch of Endor (who has been a great friend since I can remember) and she had told Donna that someone needed to tell me that they saw what I was trying to do. “I saw you the entire time. I just didn’t realize it needed saying.” Donna told me. She saw me the entire time. I think people see a lot more than we (or I at least) give them credit for. And anyway, the Invisible Woman isn’t such a bad thing to be. She saves so many people. And she may be invisible sometimes, but she’s visible when she needs to be.

So, I have finished the latest season of OUAT on Netflix and have finished my transition to complete Captain Swan shipper.

Also this is a band I absolutely love. Hope you enjoy!

God Bless

Esther

Music is in the air

I just listened to an amazing band. I don’t get to hear live music often, so this was a special treat. I was so inspired by this group of people who were moved to just spread the joy of God and music. It made me realize you don’t need to survive an arena or save a planet or start a  revolution to do something important. It can be a simple as talking to someone or giving them a song. The Doctor has a wonderful quote I like, “900 years of time and space and I’ve never met someone who wasn’t important before.” This quote comes after an old man passes off a girl as “no one important.” How often do we do that? Pass off someone else or even ourselves as no one important. If whoever you said that would disappear, I garuntee the world would be a different place. We are all important. This world is 7 billion stories rocketing around the sun. Everyone has a story and everyone’s story touches someone else, no matter how small.

On a side note, I’m learning guitar. I can play two chords now!

Esther

God Bless

The Fault in my Stars

I love the Fault in Our Stars.  John Green is a master at wordsmithery, and the movie was the perfect complement to the story. Yet despite this, and despite the fact that I always reread my favorite books, I have only fully read the Fault in Our Stars once.  The first time I read it, it was late at night on Valentine’s day, which, as a single romantic, may not have been the smartest idea.  About two thirds of the way through (and about 1:30am), I came to one of the more dramatic scenes in the book (I don’t remember exactly which one) and became upset.  I wanted to vent to someone, so I got on facebook and messaged a boy I had a crush on, and had been messaging for some time.  Earlier in the day, I had sent a message saying that I hated Valentine’s day.  Now, I saw that he had responded, “I love it.” Bitter, heartwrenched from the story, and irritable because I was tired, I sent a message about how that was because he had a girlfriend, and didn’t feel alone.  I expected him to be asleep, but he responded, and the message I got put me firmly in my place. He said, “Yes, I do have a girlfriend, and she is beautiful and wonderful and perfect, so you had better stop sneaking around trying to steal me from her because I don’t like you like that, and find someone who will.” I was amazed.  This guy had never expressed that much emotion in all the time I’ve known him, and now this?! Not just, “leave me alone,” but, “leave me alone because I love someone else and you need to find someone who loves you.”  I think that is the best way to let someone (or me anyway) down.  But I haven’t managed to separate Fault in Our Stars from that night, and while I started rereading it, I couldn’t finish it. Have I not managed to move on? Or am I just sentimental?

I’m confused.

Witch of Endor

I was having kind of a hard day today and eventually one of of my friends walked up to me. “Are you okay?” he asked. I paused. For a split second I thought about telling him the truth. I thought about saying, “You know what? Life kind of sucks right now, not as bad as Doomsday, but almost that bad.” But I didn’t. I looked at him and said “I’m always okay,” and changed the subject. Why didn’t I tell him how I felt? I don’t know all of why, but I know some. I have depression so The Question “are YOu okay?” really bothers me. After my first suicidal period came out, I was asked “Are you okay?” every time I turned around (obviously I’m not okay, I’ve been thinking about killing myself). They weren’t asking because they wanted to know. You could see it in their eyes. They needed me to be okay. So I always said “yeah I’m okay.” So asking me if I’m okay is not the best thing to do.  I have a type of depression I will struggle with all my life. And on some level I am ashamed of that. Society tells us that it isn’t okay not to be okay. Put on the make-up. Cover it up. Don’t let anyone see how broken you truly are. The thing is, everyone is broken sometimes. And that’s fine because God makes the broken things more beautiful than they were before. You have to break the glass to make the stained-glass window.

God Bless

Esther

The Invisible Works of God (well, some of them anyway)

I owe people debts I can never pay off. How do you repay someone for handing you your life back? A couple years ago, I was going through some pretty rough stuff. It was so far I was thinking about suicide and this guy just appeared and reminded me why life was worth living. He’d be so excited about the new marching band arrangement he’d seen or the newest episode of Doctor Who, or just the color purple and he just HAD to show me how amazing this was. He gave me back my life in a perspective I’d never seen before, but the thing is, he didn’t even know he did it. How often does that happen? We change someone’s life dramatically and we don’t even notice. I owe him a debt I’ll never pay off, so I do the best I can so that when I change someone else’s life,  hopefully it’s for the better. Maybe that’s how God works, shining through the little actions, little places the world doesn’t notice. The only people who notice are the people who remember to look.

God Bless

Esther